My Nose Herpes Scare

Dear Blogbrains,

I was just watching BCTV (A Catholic Network), and there was this weird show called Generation Cross, that was so weird that despite the fact that I am Jewish and an atheist, I could not resist watching it. And they offer this poster. It has all the cast members. And it the lamest, goofiest poster I have ever seen, and I wanted it, and the price was right -- it was free, and they say, go to our website, generationcross.com to get it, and I looked, and it wasn't there. They lied to me. Bastard sinning liars!

Okay, so I told you in my last blog that I would get to my herpes scare -- specifically my nose herpes scare, and when I say something I mean it.

Over the summer, all the sudden, I started getting all this puss in my nose. It was from these nasty scabs that were forming inside my nose. You would not know it from looking at me. It was thoroughly horrible. And I kept deluding myself … it will go away … it will go away … and I let it go for months and months. And then I see my GP. She gives me some steroid cream to put in my nose, but that makes me nauseas, so I stop taking it. I let several months go by, and then I see the internist again, and she says, you bet see a Ear Nose & Throat Doc. She tells me it might be eczema or HERPES. Eczema I can handle. I have it on my hands. It's not caused by an organic pathogen and it's not contagious but HERPES!!!

WHY HAVE YOU FORSAKEN ME, GOD! WHAT HAVE I DONE TO DESERVE THIS. O LORD JESUS DON'T LET IT BE HERPES … DO NOT FORSAKE ME.

And I say to her, "is nose herpes contagious?" and she says it is, that I could even spread it by kissing someone.

WHY HAVE YOU FORSAKEN ME, GOD????

I haven't had sex for millions of billions of years, and even during the Jurassic period when I did have sex, I never had unsafe sex with my nose. In fact, I never even had sex with my nose, or put my nose remotely in a position where it could be contaminated by the evil herpes virus.

HOW COULD I HAVE HERPES? IT IS GOD. HE MUST EXIST. OR AT LEAST SATAN MUST EXIST, AND SATAN IS PUNISHING ME.

So I waited 2 months for an appointment with the specialist doc. (I already know this guy, he treated my reflux laryngitis.) And he knows what the fuck is wrong with my nose, right away. It's a staph infection. This thing is caused by a bacteria. He says it's very common. And I ask him if it's contagious, and he says "Yeah. In order to infect someone you would have to stick your finger in your nose and then stick your finger in someone else's nose, or in an open wound." This is not too easy to do. He gave this antibiotic cream. It is god-awful, and I have to jam this stuff up my nostril with q-tips. It brings tears to my eyes and it makes my nose run like hell. It's brutal shit.

Staph infections are known to circulate in hospitals, and I am fairly confident that I know exactly where I got it, as I was going for a medical appointment in a hospital at around the same exact time this crap started.

Well, I don't have herpes. No herpes here. Those ads on TV where these herpes people are running around on the beach all happy with there mates... well I ain't never gonna be that happy, because I DON'T HAVE HERPES!

The moral of the story is, don't pick your fucking nose!