Chris P. Carrot for President

PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) invents insidious cartoon character, Chris P. Carrot, aimed at subverting the political process and diverting public outrage away from real issues such as homelessness and poverty in America.



Also beware of Chris P. Carrot's running mate for Vice President, Colonel Corn



Unlike Colonel Sanders, Colonel Corn was never a Colonel. In fact, he is a draft dodger!

Watch out for these unsavory characters. They may look like insipid yet harmless cartoon characters, but they are really rotten vegetables from hell, up to no good.

Sir Paul McCartney under Investigation

Sir Paul McCartney is under investigation by the New York City Police Department for feeding a sheep vodka in a PETA advertisement. The sheep was last seen climbing into Sir McCartney's limo after the photo shoot. McCartney told reporters:

"I had nothing to do with this sheep's disappearance, and I fully resent your accusation that I smell like lamb chop."

Live Long and Prosper

The official Vulcan Representative of the Department of Defense offers to do a mind meld with a reporter.

Liquid Sky

Navy Commander getting a nice load of heroin before launching a dozen Tomahawk missiles into the heart of Baghdad.

Bush Brood

Jenna Bush: I like to get so shitfaced on vodka that I don't remember what happened the night before when I wake up in the morning.

Barbara Bush: That's nothing. I like to drink peppermint schnapps out of a straw until I barf a green, exorcist-like vomit, all over people's faces.

Gore Snake

Al Gore proves that he can unhinge his jaw like a snake in order to consume prey that is nine times the size of his head.

Uh oh...

Luara: Ahhh, George, I think my Irritable Bowel Syndrome is acting up. I think I'm having a problem ... a big problem.

George: If you think you got it bad, this blasted dog I carry around with me everywhere just shit on me. Just keep smiling, hon.

Navy Seaman wins 1st prize in military fashion show

Navy Seaman Jonathan R. Rodriguez wins 1st prize in a military fashion show for his postmodern military cosmetic innovation of applying makeup to only half of his face. In his award speach he stated:

"Contrary to popular belief, I believe that the winning weapon is not laser guided missiles, MOAB bombs, or even night vision goggles, but fashion. Whether you're torturing prisoners in the Abu Ghraib Prison or just shooting into a crowd of Iraqis, you want to show the enemy that your fashion sense is far superior to his. That hurts his morale. He also might think you are sexy and throw down his RPG launcher and give you a nice wet smoochy."



Seaman Rodriguez is currently working with Military Fashion Police to design a new combat uniform and cosmetic application. A prototype of this is shown below:

Bust of Papa Bush, Popular with Satanists.

Satanists used to sacrifice animals, and sometimes even people to conjure evil spirits, but now they are turning to a replica of the bust of former president, George Herbert Walker Bush, on exhibit in the CIA, in order to summon the dark forces. Some Satanists insist that they can establish a direct link to Satan and his beloved servant, George W. Bush by massaging the temples of the grotesque and hideous head.

Tell me more

Colonel, you must tell me more about all the Iraqis you've been killing. It's better jerk-off fodder than porn.

Tom Delay meets vets

Veteran : Majority Leader DeLay, I think you have some welfare mother stuck in your teeth.

DeLay: No, actually it is a workfare mother, not a welfare mother that's lodged in my pearly whites. And I must say, she was delicious.

Half wolve, half troll.

For nourishiment, I eat small children.

Jerry Brown Arrested

Jerry Brown, Mayor of Oakland, California was arrested and detained yesterday by Capital Police for sneaking into the Pentagon and impersonating an officer of the United States Military. Jerry's Brown's press secretary stated that "Mayor Brown's actions were an unfortunate result of a flashback which was brought on by a bad acid trip he had in the Governor's mansion while serving as the Governor of California."

I didn't!

I swear to God, I didn't fart.

Mutants for Bush

Hi, My name is Joe Young of Graysville, PA

And I appeared on George Bush's website, to support our mighty president.

I'm also from out of space, but don't tell anyone.



Hi, I'm Donna Hardin of Dalton, GA, and I appeared on Bush's website, supporting him.



I'm from outer space too, but don't tell!

Hi, I'm Vincent Reyes of Randolph, MA. I appeared on Bush's website, but I'm not from outer space. I'm just a plain, ordinary, mutant asshole.

Got Bat?

Gimmie a bat. I'll chew his fuckin' head off.

Building a stronger America

JOHN EDWARDS: When you were riding down the Mekong Delta killing VC, what was going through your mind?

JOHN KERRY: Well, I thought about becoming president some day. But mostly I thought about pussy.

Heinz

Hi, I'm Teresa Heinz Kerry, and I think ketchup is delicious. Especially Heinz ketchup.

Size matters!

I assure you, folks, that thing that I'm pointing to is even bigger than Dick's. We buddies. Good, good buddies. And there ain't nothing better than a good load ah GW in your mouth.

Say kids, What time is it...

It's Howdy Doody time!

Feeling the compassion

After a hard day of ordering the bombing of innocent Iraqi women and children, I like to take the time to comfort the elderly. They're lonely and crusty, and my heart goes out to them.

Stop! Please stop

No. Stop! Please stop! I can't handle any more of these black children. O Jesus. O Christ, I don't think I can keep this smile plastered on my face for much longer...

On as side note, I think this photo might have been taken on his Africa trip, so these kids may not in fact be African Americans, as it says on the image. Notice how the word "Africa" is on their shirts.