Uh oh...

Luara: Ahhh, George, I think my Irritable Bowel Syndrome is acting up. I think I'm having a problem ... a big problem.

George: If you think you got it bad, this blasted dog I carry around with me everywhere just shit on me. Just keep smiling, hon.

Navy Seaman wins 1st prize in military fashion show

Navy Seaman Jonathan R. Rodriguez wins 1st prize in a military fashion show for his postmodern military cosmetic innovation of applying makeup to only half of his face. In his award speach he stated:

"Contrary to popular belief, I believe that the winning weapon is not laser guided missiles, MOAB bombs, or even night vision goggles, but fashion. Whether you're torturing prisoners in the Abu Ghraib Prison or just shooting into a crowd of Iraqis, you want to show the enemy that your fashion sense is far superior to his. That hurts his morale. He also might think you are sexy and throw down his RPG launcher and give you a nice wet smoochy."



Seaman Rodriguez is currently working with Military Fashion Police to design a new combat uniform and cosmetic application. A prototype of this is shown below:

Bust of Papa Bush, Popular with Satanists.

Satanists used to sacrifice animals, and sometimes even people to conjure evil spirits, but now they are turning to a replica of the bust of former president, George Herbert Walker Bush, on exhibit in the CIA, in order to summon the dark forces. Some Satanists insist that they can establish a direct link to Satan and his beloved servant, George W. Bush by massaging the temples of the grotesque and hideous head.

Tell me more

Colonel, you must tell me more about all the Iraqis you've been killing. It's better jerk-off fodder than porn.

Tom Delay meets vets

Veteran : Majority Leader DeLay, I think you have some welfare mother stuck in your teeth.

DeLay: No, actually it is a workfare mother, not a welfare mother that's lodged in my pearly whites. And I must say, she was delicious.

Half wolve, half troll.

For nourishiment, I eat small children.

Jerry Brown Arrested

Jerry Brown, Mayor of Oakland, California was arrested and detained yesterday by Capital Police for sneaking into the Pentagon and impersonating an officer of the United States Military. Jerry's Brown's press secretary stated that "Mayor Brown's actions were an unfortunate result of a flashback which was brought on by a bad acid trip he had in the Governor's mansion while serving as the Governor of California."

I didn't!

I swear to God, I didn't fart.

Mutants for Bush

Hi, My name is Joe Young of Graysville, PA

And I appeared on George Bush's website, to support our mighty president.

I'm also from out of space, but don't tell anyone.



Hi, I'm Donna Hardin of Dalton, GA, and I appeared on Bush's website, supporting him.



I'm from outer space too, but don't tell!

Hi, I'm Vincent Reyes of Randolph, MA. I appeared on Bush's website, but I'm not from outer space. I'm just a plain, ordinary, mutant asshole.

Got Bat?

Gimmie a bat. I'll chew his fuckin' head off.

Building a stronger America

JOHN EDWARDS: When you were riding down the Mekong Delta killing VC, what was going through your mind?

JOHN KERRY: Well, I thought about becoming president some day. But mostly I thought about pussy.

Heinz

Hi, I'm Teresa Heinz Kerry, and I think ketchup is delicious. Especially Heinz ketchup.

Size matters!

I assure you, folks, that thing that I'm pointing to is even bigger than Dick's. We buddies. Good, good buddies. And there ain't nothing better than a good load ah GW in your mouth.

Say kids, What time is it...

It's Howdy Doody time!

Feeling the compassion

After a hard day of ordering the bombing of innocent Iraqi women and children, I like to take the time to comfort the elderly. They're lonely and crusty, and my heart goes out to them.

Stop! Please stop

No. Stop! Please stop! I can't handle any more of these black children. O Jesus. O Christ, I don't think I can keep this smile plastered on my face for much longer...

On as side note, I think this photo might have been taken on his Africa trip, so these kids may not in fact be African Americans, as it says on the image. Notice how the word "Africa" is on their shirts.

Find God, and the Heimlich Maneuver

I used to live in fear of chocking to death on a chicken bone and going to hell, because I was a sinner. But now that I have a God-fearing Heimlich Maneuver expert ready to eject any food lodged in my throat at any given moment, and to preach to me the teachings of the good Lord, I know that my soul will be saved. I don't even mind that he's a crusty baldy and his hands are as clammy as a slug. Thank you Jesus! And thank you BigChurch.com

Plagerism?

Okay, I am not ready to make any accusations, but I was reading this below active crime novel called "Break and Enter" by Colin Harrison. I had found it in the junk yard, where I find the vast majority of my books (some are very good in fact.)

So I am reading and I come upon this letter written by one charactor. And the letter is entitled, "The Eternals Truths." And there is a list of these so-called truths. For example:

"This is it!"

"There is no hidden meanings"


I have seen this before! I do not have the book on hand to verify it, but it comes from a book called "If You Meet the Buddha on the Road, Kill Him : The Pilgrimage Of Psychotherapy Patients", by Sheldon Kopp, published in 1982.

I can say this, because I found this page, listing Kopp's eternal truths.


"Break and Enter" was published in 1990, eight years after Kopp's book.

I looked around for some sort of acknowledgment by Colin Harrison that this material was take from Sheldon Kopp.

This is what I found, in the acknowledgments sections:

The "Eternel Truths" are derived from a list originally written by Richard Donelli, D.D.S., and modified by Ann Satterthwaite and the author.

Colin Harrison got this from a dentist? Then modified it? Pretty fishy. I think someone is doing some serious plagerism here.

I am not sure if Sheldon Kopp is still alive. If I have the time, I might just drop a dime, if someone is willing to listen.

Georgy Update

Dear Blogbrains,

I think Georgy has abandoned her blog.

I don't blame Georgy. If I was as sexy as Georgy, I would be doing other things also.

I wonder what she is doing though. Perhaps she is being caressed by an adoring lover -- in cozy cottage nestled in the Swiss Alps -- or I don't know ... some place exotic and sexy that I cannot think of right now. I don't know whether Georgy is hetero or not, but whoever she is with, I imagine this person is very blonde and delicious looking.

Perhaps Georgy is planning on running for political office? Who knows?

I think Georgy is from Oakland. I think Georgy ought to oust that son-of-a-bitch, Jerry Brown from the Mayor's office. I really hate the bastard. He has become a real right-winger.

And you know what's weird? Huff. Arianna Huffington is becoming a left-winger. It is hard to conceive that Huff, with all that vitriolic, primeval hatred brewing inside her heinous innards, really identifies with the left. I think she is just an opportunist. The right was just too crowded, so she found a niche -- the left. There ain't too many pop-leftists these days. I can think of two -- Moore and ahhhh, what's his name ... the SNL guy from Minnesota.

Fuck, where is Georgy?

It is so lonely here in blogland without her.

My Failed Love-Life

My Message To Kate

Dear Kate,

I am going through a hard time in my life right now. I am having great anxieties over money as well as a medical problem, though it's not life threatening.

I should not have written you, because this is not a good time for me to meet new people, but I guess I felt lonely, so I did.

You seem like a really nice woman. I'm really sorry that I am unable to be sociable right now. I would have liked to have seen you in person.

I sort of feel like a real asshole. I hope you do not take this as a rejection, though it may seem that way.

Dickie


Kate's Reply

Dear Dickie,

Thank you for your response. One of my all-time favorite lines from a movie: "Life is pain, and anyone who tells you anything different is trying to sell you something." I am actually having some financial woes of my own (although they are of my own doing, and not catastrophic by any means) AND I just went through a health crisis, too, so I can certainly appreciate where you are coming from. My health issue was non-life-threatening, too, but still crummy. I actually kind of float in and out of doing the on-line dating thing to meet people because I'll have a few not-so-great experiences and give up for a while, then the loneliness starts crushing me again and I decide to give it another try. Even though I am not at the greatest point in my life, I guess I still feel like I am certainly deserving of love in my life and maybe finding someone special would help. It would at least eliminate the problem of lonliness (which is a problem!). I had a professor in a Psychology class a couple of semesters ago who kept saying, "lonliness kills." I wanted to say, OK, I believe you......now what am I supposed to do about it?????????? I think it is kind of a "guy" thing to want to meet someone when all of your ducks are in a row, so to speak.

If you decide you would rather not correspond or meet, I would certainly understand that. If you decide that even though you may not be at a high point in your life, you might still like to meet a nice person to laugh with and blow off some steam, then feel free to write back. I have no expectations of being whisked off to Paris. Whatever choice you make there is no reason for you to feel badly about it, you were considerate enough to respond to my email and I think that says a lot about you. In this world of anonymous internet correspondence I think we both know that there are many, many "blow offs" where people are never even considerate enough to respond.

I wish you all the best, Dickie. Don't isolate yourself or put off chances at love and happiness for too long, OK? I'm sure you deserve all wonderful things in your life.